Dreams Keep Dying

I realize that the title might be somewhat alarmist but that is how I am feeling recently. How many people grow up dreaming of being a salesman? Middle management? Administrative Assistant? Plumber? Janitor? I went to college to get a degree but didn’t realize that in doing so, that I was killing my dreams by enslaving myself to the lending companies and the banks. Am I supposed to just take any job so that I can pay cost of living or do I keep striving to find what it is that I am meant to do in my life?

I have been working as a swim coach and a lifeguard supervisor for the last 3.5 years. Recently I have lost the better part of my job as a coach and now just fill in when another coach cannot work that day. I tried to look on the bright side of the situation and use the extra time to try to secure a new job, career, or some type of inspiration. Well I feel like I have run headlong into a brick wall. I have a couple of possibilities that I can and still may pursue but I feel like I would be selling away any future happiness to survive my current situation.

Now I didn’t mean to disparage those professions that I mentioned earlier but unless some child idolizes their father, I can’t see them trying to follow in his footsteps in those jobs, or unless dad owned his business and they are taking it over (not a plumber but the owner of a plumbing business that employs other plumbers). I always felt that I was meant for more than just getting through life. Maybe my father left shoes that were too large for me to fill? Maybe my entire family did.

So what is it that I want to do? That is the number 1 question that everyone asks me. You know what, if I knew that, I wouldn’t still be wandering aimlessly through the professional world. I tried retail and customer service, interning in sports, teaching, supervising at a aquatics facility, and none of it has really felt like me. I don’t know of any other way to put it. I know the things that I spend the most time on in my life, but don’t know of a way to turn those likes into careers. I have asked what others think I would do best at. There reply seems to be mostly a “tongue in cheek” suggestion of something in sports or video games. I tried sports but I was young and immature at the time. Video games were tried for a month and was the first job that I tried after my dad passed away, so my head was still a little out of it.

So here are some ideas that I have had but can’t really seem to find a way to get my foot in to the door. Writing. Marketing. Video Games. Sports. The problem with all of those fields is the barriers to getting in. In marketing, video games, and sports I need years of experience to land a entry level position. In writing, I need a formal degree, years of experience, and viewership to what I write. I have written articles for a baseball blog, but can’t seem to gain any footing. Some have said, try writing a book or novel. Easier said than done. I have some half baked ideas for stories but nothing that I can imagine people wanting to read. I keep writing on here and yet very few friends take the time to read it.

Now I am going to grovel in some self pity for a bit and see if anyone notices before I return to try to put a positive spin and outlook on the future. I don’t understand how I can seem to go so unnoticed by most people in my life. My friends usually think of me as an after thought. New acquaintances are drawn towards other personalities in our groups. Most of my life I have been referred to “So and so… and Jimmy”. I seriously think sometimes that I might need some medication to calm the noise in my head. Now don’t take that as me going crazy but possibly depressed. I actually would think that if anyone actually read this drivel consistently that they could pick up on something. All of that said though I don’t think that I need professional help so much as I need closer friends that I can talk to. To any of my friends that do read this, I am not putting this on you so much as I am putting the blame on me.

Alright, now for the bright optimism that I keep trying to encourage in my self. I will keep trying to find my place in this apathetic world. I will do everything in my own power to keep being creative both in trying to find a career and just to keep my mind active. I will keep my body active in the hopes that physical movement can create some mental progression. I will limit my consumption of negatives and depressants, and indulge in more levity, wonder, and fantasy. I will spend more time in self development and less in self pity. I am going to find some way to support my self and pay my bills while I enjoy my life. I will find my calling for this world and I will fucking excel at it. (sorry for the expletive) I will not be condemned to this dull life that I live now and will find creativity and happiness. It may be in a location, a bond with some one, a career that has eluded me, for all that I know it could be staring me right in the face as I sit hear and lament at my lack of direction. Lastly I will take greater appreciation for the love, care, and thoughts that I do realize people have towards me. Until the next time that I need to write crap down so as to not bottle it up any more. Continue not reading me, and continue killing other peoples’ dreams. I will create sometime of waves in this placid lake that I see.

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